Victory and its King

*** Warning: Deep waters ahead ***

I haven't posted in over a year. Let me give you a picture of what this last year has held for me.

On September 30, 2016, my fighting spirit died. Up until that point I had called myself a conqueror and had not given into my anxiety and depression. That night they took over. I was at a worship night. The irony (and beauty) of this is that the theme of this worship night was resurrection. We were all wearing white and singing praises to our God who has conquered the grave.

I could not stop crying. I was overcome by my depression and anxiety. I was ready to give up. I texted my boyfriend and said,

"I have never wanted to die more than I do right now".

Shortly after that I lost control over my thoughts and slowly the madness descended over my body and I could not even control my breath. 

Saturday, October 1st, 2016, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in Franklin, Tennessee. I was lower than I had ever been before. While explaining to a nurse why I was there, I remember she choked back tears as I told her that I didn't want to live anymore and the most frustrating part about having that desire was I knew that I would never actually hurt myself. 

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Reassured that I was not a threat to myself or others, the doctors released me back into my "normal" life. 

Everyone that loves me kept telling me to cling to God. "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "God knows what you're going through", "He's holding you", "Give it over to Him and He will heal you". Blah. Blah. Blah. I was so angry at God. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped going to small group. I stopped serving with the junior highers without telling anyone. I stopped going to service altogether. I stopped praying before I ate. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God. 

I believe, very strongly, that the Lord has told me that I am going to deal with anxiety and depression, to some degree, for the rest of this life. I've known that for a long time now, but after being in a psych hospital the reality of it began to set in. I have felt trapped and abused by my own mind. I have not been able to see an "out" for my struggle. I don't have a foreseeable end to this suffering. I began to grieve the loss of the life I could've had, had God chosen to heal me. If that even makes sense. I began to believe that I would never see victory over my mental illness. 

This approach to my mental health was incredibly destructive and it took its toll. I have never been through such a dark time in my entire life. Riddled with suicidal thoughts, grief, anger, and sometimes hatred; I knew that I was in the wrong. 

God is a healer, yes. He hates to see us broken and LOVES to set us free from our ailments. But when He chooses not to heal, He is entirely justified. He has told me that I am more useful to the kingdom with the testimony of an ongoing struggle than I am with a testimony of miraculous healing. Somewhere down the line, there will be a person struggling with something similar and I will be equipped with an intimate knowledge of their situation and therefore in a place where I will be able to speak into that person's life. And to God, one more soul in Heaven is worth it. 

I know all this, deep within my heart. I know He is right. I know He is good. I know He is faithful. I know He is just. I know He cares for me. I know that I am single-handedly responsible for the wall that has now been built between Christ and me. But that didn't change the fact that I was in the middle of a grieving process and that I had emotions that Christ also deemed valid.

He is not afraid of my questions or anger or doubt or grief. He just wants me back.

***

I began writing this post about 4 months ago. God has come through all the noise so clearly to tell me that I am not alone in my suffering and that I will not be left this way (He brings healing in eternity). This journey back to Him is difficult. At times, I am still angry. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still do not feel safe in church. I do not pick up my bible every day. I do not pray to Him every day. But, I'm trying. I'm doing my best and God is accepting that with open arms. He will not turn me away just because I'm not where I used to be. This is all that I have right now and He looks at it, smiles, and sees infinite value where I see brokenness and worthlessness.

I began writing this post almost exactly a year after I was released from the hospital. I wanted to say something corny about how God foreshadowed my "resurrection" with the theme of that worship night. But, some days, I still feel like I'm in the grave. And that's okay. Right now, I'm in a valley. I'm learning who I am again. I'm trying to find the girl that anxiety and depression buried. She's here. Somewhere. I hope.

I'm seeing God from a new angle. From here, to me, everything looks like loose ends with no destination. But the King has promised to bring all things to completion. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I'm here. Trying to hang on, while He does most of the work. And that's okay for right now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will try my best again. That, by itself, is a victory.

The Time that I Thought I'd be Homeless...

Y'all, Jesus is so good. I will never know how much He has done for me. I will never know the extent of what my life cost of Him. Even in seasons where I am deliberately running from Him, He madly pursues me and continues to work things in my favor. And then all of that comes back to glorify Him. HOW?!?! I will never know. He meets with me one-on-one when I pray and listens to every word I'm saying. I will never know how much He cares for me. He is on my team: every time.

The Lord is blowing my mind lately; in the ways that He provides for me and so faithfully teaches me and leads me. He is so good. He did everything for me (which is convenient, given how lazy I am). Wow. Since I've moved to Tennessee, I have seen Him move in new ways. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined.

This past month, my living situation has been, very uncomfortably, up in the air. I'm not too fond of the idea of indefinitely couch surfing, even though I have amazing people in my life that wouldn't let me sleep in my car. I had two prospective roommates and we were looking for a three person house to live in. I will emphasize the word house. I have no interest in living in an apartment or student housing of any kind. Given that I live in a college town, there are a lot of rental houses available. However, the other two decided to go in a different direction.

After my (quite unnecessary) panic attack settled, I started asking around to see what my options were. I did not want to do the random roommate thing. The very. next. day. I got a text from a girl who is friends with one of the girls in my small group. This girl said her and two other friends were renting a four bedroom apartment and didn't want a random roommate in the fourth room. Given that our mutual friend is an awesome gal and very trustworthy, I figured that these, too, were solid girls.

However, I've already expressed my dislike for student housing and apartments. This four bedroom was both... So, being the stubborn person I am, I ignored the blessing that God placed in front of me and kept looking, while keeping the door open to the four bedroom as a back-up. I can be so ungrateful sometimes.

Over the course of the next week and a half, I was coming up empty. Now I can see why: because God had already given me what I needed. But, since it wasn't I wanted, I turned my nose up at it. Jesus has humbled me so much these past few days (obviously, this was much needed). He so clearly revealed to me that He had already given me everything I needed. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. This apartment is incredibly affordable, completely furnished, comes with roommates recommended by someone I trust. This place even has in-unit laundry, utilities included in the super cheap rent, and a shuttle to my school if I don't feel like dealing with the atrocious parking situation on campus.

Thankfully, this door was still open. I filled out an application for the apartment complex last night and was pre-approved! And then I promptly fell on my face and praised the God who graciously gives all things. He is a good, good father who delights in taking care of His children.

Matthew 6:25-34

My incredible boyfriend sent me this passage during my panic attack and my response was "I hate that verse". Yes, I actually said that about the Word of The Living God. I can be so arrogant. (I had A LOT to apologize for in my prayer time following this ordeal). But, the truth of His word does not depend on my feelings about it at any given time - praise Him for that, haha! 

I am so thankful for the way that God works in my life. He has given me so much that I don't deserve and saved me from so much that I probably do deserve. He's teaching me to be teachable through some pretty tough lessons, but I am so grateful that He hasn't given up on me even when it would be totally justified. He's so good. My only response is to try and bring Him glory with my life.

When People Fail You

The most powerful thing we are capable of as humans is loving one another. This is also one of the most important things that we're capable of. Relationship is essential to us.

Friends, family, and significant others assist us through the challenges in life and are also present to celebrate our victories. We aren't meant to do life alone. Community matters. We need people in our lives to help us when we can't help ourselves or to encourage us when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The joyful moments are so much better when we have people we love and trust to share them with. 

Sometimes, though, we put too much on a person: our expectations are too high. We want someone to come through on something and then they just.... don't. They let you down. Regardless of whether it's intentional or not, pain comes with it. Disappointment and hurt accompany it. We forget that the people in our lives are human and we are so abruptly reminded at the moments where it's least convenient. 

People fail us. It's never a fun occurrence, but it's a fact of life. In those moments, all we can control is our reaction. Do I get angry or do I have grace? I have found myself in this position many times before. I've also been on the other side, begging for my friend to see and forgive my humanness. 

It's here where I start to lose faith in my friends and wonder if hurt is just something I'm going to have to cope with forever. It's here where I have began to question whether or not some friendships are worth continuing. It is here where trust has been ruptured and scars have been formed. And it's here, also, that I'm reminded of the perfection of my Savior. He will never fail. He comes through, every time. 

People suck. We all have experience in that. We're all broken. And yet, somehow, we still have a capacity for deep and moving love. It's incredible really. More often then not, that love is stronger after it's taken a hit. Doesn't really make sense, does it? We see the deepest, ugliest flaws in people and we give them more of ourselves. Why?

We empathize with the human quality that's revealed in those moments: imperfection. It's the thing that nobody wants to admit they possess and much less show others. Through the pain of the incident, we see a bit of the truth that we hold as well. The truth that neither can we give it all every time; no matter how badly we wish we could.

But, the question still stands: grace or anger? I think that healing happens more abundantly and and rapidly when grace is extended. Now, there are sometimes where toxic people enter our lives and we have to let them go, but that can be done in grace as well. The natural instinct is to get mad when wronged, which makes it a hard instinct to fight. But, if that can be overridden by grace, how different would relationship look?

Elevating people to a position higher than where they should be is crushing when it inevitably collapses. I know that sometimes I forget that humans are humans and, in particularly difficult periods, I treat them as lifelines. This always backfires on me. We all fall short. Jesus is the only one who upholds and exceeds our standards. He's everything we will ever need. People can't fill that place, no matter how badly I want them too. This is so hard because people are tangible. I can physically hug a friend when I'm hurting. But, Jesus offers more and I forget that.

Here's the cool thing that I've learned recently. Community rocks. I love people. And the Lord still lets us have community even when we abuse relationships and put people above Him. He extends grace when we fail Him. Every time. He picks us up, dusts us off, and shows us how to do it better. He teaches us how to give this same type of grace when we're faced with failure as well.

We can love because He first loved us. He can give grace because he has given it to us. We can move forward because He has made a way. When people fail us, we can forgive and rebuild because that's what the Lord does for us.

Easier said than done, I know. It's just a thought I had. 

Take Two

So, I haven't posted in a while. So much has happened since I've begun my life down here in Tennessee. 

I love living down here; being so close to Nashville makes my heart leap! There are always adventures to go on and interesting people to meet. And I'm finally able to physically step into it.

Around September, I began having knee problems. It resulted in countless doctor appointments, 4 ER visits (one of which began in an ambulance), a mound of medication that caused my stomach to want revenge, and, finally, a surgery. Now that it is all said and done, I can actually start to put down "roots" - whatever that means in college. 

Ideal? No. Not in the slightest. It made the transition next to impossible. When you're in that much pain all the time, making friends isn't exactly on the radar. Being an extrovert, that was a huge obstacle. Especially, since I didn't have an established community physically around me. Although, I have amazing friends back home who came to see me and love me so well, I was so incredibly lonely. 

I have never known depression like this. I have never known anxiety like this. 

More importantly, I have never known the Lord like this. 

Challenge after challenge and He is my constant, my rock. I didn't always press into that, but it was always available to me. He carried me. He provided for me exactly what I needed every time. He is good. 

While I'm not thrilled with my opening act here in The South, I know there's a purpose to it. Don't ask me what it is, haha, I just have faith that it exists. Through the loneliness and pain (physical and emotional) I've grown so much. But, I can happily say that I'm being brought back to myself again,

I can run around. I have the energy for new friends and late nights. I have the desire for exploration. I have my love for people back in focus. I have the strength to open even the heaviest of doors on campus without assistance. I have the eagerness to get involved in new things. And I have a God who has equipped me to do all of that better. 

I'm so excited to be coming out of the woods. My zest for this chapter of life has been restored and I'm ready to get it started - for real this time. 

Thanks to everyone who has been so encouraging to me (near and far). Thanks to the people who took my 3 am phone calls. Thanks to the pals that went with me to the hospital. Thanks to the friends who went out of their way to drive me around while I was on crutches. Thanks to all of you who had patience with me. Thanks to those who dealt with me through all my medication. Thanks for being part of my life even when it ain't so pretty. 

Here's to take two! Let's hope it's a good one! 

Good 'ol Ma and Pop

We all resent our parents at one point or another growing up. Sometimes those things are never reconciled and that is an unfortunate case. However, my parents and I now have a great relationship. They trust me. I trust them. I involve them in my life and they treat me like an adult.

It's funny how much you learn from your parents after you move a few states away. Many, many times I have called my mom to tell her exactly how right she has been my entire life. I relearn their lessons on a daily basis: speak kindly, think before you open your mouth, listen to people that know more than you, listen to people in general, stay in church, find christian community, be a good friend to get good friends, etc. I am so blessed with the parents God gave me.

The most important thing my parents have taught me was never actually said. It's all in the way they live and love. Now, upon entering young adulthood, I can't help but start to daydream about marriage and my future family. Looking at the way my parents love each other and how they have made it 25+ years without calling it quits, I am truly amazed.

Even just the way they look at each other says so much. They have done their best at every turn to keep God as the center of their relationship and as the true head of our family. They sought wise counsel in the particularly rough patches and made sure that my siblings and I not only had good friends, but also adults that we could trust. They kept us in church and set an example of just how important it is to serve.

I am blown away by the way they so intentionally approached parenting. Now that I see it from a different perspective, I'm left speechless. (Not to mention, absolutely terrified that I'm going to be a horrible parent, haha). They payed attention to each of my three siblings and I individually and tailored their parenting style accordingly. Be it punishments, rewards, communication styles, or sense of humor, my parents realized that we were each our own little person and they didn't parent any of us the same way. I cannot even fathom how difficult that must've been.

Admittedly, my family still has issues. There still exist some bumps and bruises from my childhood that I have not completely healed from. However, as I get further away from my younger years, both in age and geography, I start to see why things happened. And I am so incredibly thankful for the grace that God gave my parents to act with. I begin to understand the things my parents hid from me and why. I also begin to understand the toll that life takes on people after a while and the importance of apologies.

Surely, I'm not done learning the wisdom that my parents showed me throughout my life. I'm most definitely not done being humbled by God and His way of showing me to listen to the warnings they gave, probably more than once. I am beyond grateful for the parents I got placed with and I did absolutely nothing to deserve them. I hope that I have a fraction of the parenting skill they have and even an ounce of the marriage they are both so devoted to. Here's to Mom and Dad

A Coffee Shop in Nashville

Sitting down in Nashville my heart is slow, my breath is light, and my spirit is content; peace comes over me and I know that this is where I belong.

Holding a warm cup of my favorite caramel drink, I feel at home. Music City creates an atmosphere of dreams and diversity. The most amazing array of people converge on this spot in pursuit of a lifetime aspiration or simply a good time and funny story to take home. This place is truly one of a kind.

The stories to be heard here, the times to be had here, the songs yet to be sung, and the friends yet to be made all compose the wonder of this town. I cannot wait to be swept up in it. Never before have I felt so called to be somewhere.

I can't help but let my mind dance with the thoughts of what God has for me here. Looking around at the life and color of the city bring a smile to my face and a glow to my eyes. This is my city. This is where I will thrive. This is where I will have the greatest times of my life. 

Walking its streets, I'm simply in awe of the One who brought it all to be. He reigns here. He has guided me to this place and made me capable of feeling the joy I have here. Whatever comes my way, I will stand secure in who He is and His purpose for me. I don't know what's in store, but I know the one who orchestrates all.

Sitting here, at a coffee shop in Nashville, adventure awaits me.

My Beginning to Forever

Here I am. Sitting in the place that I have dreamed of for almost four years now. It's so surreal.

It's been difficult: getting used to living seven hours from everything I know. I don't know many people and that's hard, being an extrovert.

It's odd seeing everyone walking around campus with their friends, knowing that I don't have that option yet. I know it will come, but until it does I'll just be sitting under this tree, watching others' lives go by.

I'm excited! I really am. But, I also kind of just want a hug from a friendly face. I'd never understood the significance of being fully known until the last couple days. I know that friends will come and I will be established eventually. I've been trying to get out and go meet people and spend time with new roommate.
For some reason I just keep crying.

I'm not homesick. Don't get me wrong, I love home. I miss my friends and family! But, my heart is content here. I desire to be here.

I think I'm mourning the loss of everything I knew. I haven't lost it of course: I will keep up with my friends and family and come visit. But the dynamic of everything in the Midwest in relation to my life has drastically changed. It won't ever be the same again. It won't ever be home again.

I'm building my home.

Change. I've always heard that no body likes change: that we are all creatures of habit. I think I disagree. I think we long for change, we just let ourselves mourn our loss. This is not wrong. We need to mourn. But, we also need to move forward.

So I move forward. I walk out of my dorm (making sure I lock the door behind me;). remembering where I've been and looking forward to where I'm headed.