Anxiety alters my reality.
No two people see the world the same way, but for people who have anxiety disorders, it's a whole different story.
I don't know exactly when anxiety began to be prevalent in my life, but looking back I see where it was creeping in. Then, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with a disorder.
I just thought I was going crazy! What, with all the panic attacks and the constant, reeling thoughts.
People would tell me, "it's all in your head". And they are right. That's the problem.
The hard thing about anxiety is that it is 'all in your head'. For example: With a broken bone, the diagnosis is easy and everybody knows what's going on and they know how to help. Same with the flu, everybody knows how it feels and they all have a favorite mother's remedy to give you. But, with anxiety (or depression), it's not that simple.
You see, often times people with these disorders get really good at hiding it. So they seem to function like a "normal" person. That is until something triggers it. And then suddenly everything changes: little things become harder, daily tasks are not in the realm of possible, and fear is lurking in every corner of the mind. When this is going on, it's all I can think about. It's almost impossible to see beyond the walls closing in on me. Some days, getting out of bed is my only victory.
When anxiety gets triggered, no one around knows how to help unless they've been there before. And those people just know there's no way to help. If you've never seen someone having a panic attack, it can be horrifying: hyperventilating, crying, shaking. I don't blame anyone for being scared by seeing one of my attacks. Recently, I had one that sent me to the ER. When my mom found me, I was in the fetal position and my fingernails had turned blue because I wasn't breathing.
This is something that is not within my control. It is not something I have learned how to fight yet. I will get there.
I usually don't know what will trigger a panic attack. Sometimes it will get triggered and then the next time that very same thing won't trigger it. It's a hard way to live. Medicine has to be tweaked over and over again until just the right combination can be found for my body specifically.
Two things about anxiety and depression must be understood: 1. They are real. 2. They are medical conditions. Ignorance of these two facts is not an excuse for treating someone with these disorders like any less of a human being. We don't bite. It's just a little bit harder for us sometimes. We don't belong in the psych ward.
Don't get me wrong. My life, even with anxiety, is not the worst. Everybody struggles. And we all struggle differently. This should also be understood. Tolerance is something we often lack as a society.
For a while I viewed taking medication everyday as a bad thing. I often thought, "Why do I have to do this to be normal? Why do I need help to function properly?". Then I realized, we all need help to function properly. We all have to do daily maintenance. We all need water everyday and food. I just happen to have a few pills added onto that list and I'm not alone on that one.
Anxiety is something I struggle with. It does not control my life. It will not take me over. It will not win.
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. I have been sent home from work several times. I have either been late to class or skipped it all together. I cannot complete a homework assignment without my mom sitting next to me or I'll have a panic attack. Being alone is not an option. And on the spiritual side of things, (this is the hardest part) nothing Jesus related is resonating with me right now.
Like I said, anxiety alters my reality. My friends keep telling me to press in and pray hard. This is good advice, but for some reason it doesn't make much sense to me right now. I know in my head that Jesus is the only option. I know that He is bigger than this. I know that He has already won. But there's some days I can't bring myself to believe it. Opening my bible is a tiring and frightening task. However, I'm being honest about where I'm at.
It's not wrong to struggle. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is temporary. Even if it lasts the rest of my earthly life, it cannot follow me to eternity. And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard! I'm just not there yet. I will learn and I will get better.
