The Truth About My Anxiety

Anxiety alters my reality.

No two people see the world the same way, but for people who have anxiety disorders, it's a whole different story.

I don't know exactly when anxiety began to be prevalent in my life, but looking back I see where it was creeping in. Then, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with a disorder.

I just thought I was going crazy! What, with all the panic attacks and the constant, reeling thoughts.
People would tell me, "it's all in your head". And they are right. That's the problem.

The hard thing about anxiety is that it is 'all in your head'. For example: With a broken bone, the diagnosis is easy and everybody knows what's going on and they know how to help. Same with the flu, everybody knows how it feels and they all have a favorite mother's remedy to give you. But, with anxiety (or depression), it's not that simple.

You see, often times people with these disorders get really good at hiding it. So they seem to function like a "normal" person. That is until something triggers it. And then suddenly everything changes: little things become harder, daily tasks are not in the realm of possible, and fear is lurking in every corner of the mind. When this is going on, it's all I can think about. It's almost impossible to see beyond the walls closing in on me. Some days, getting out of bed is my only victory.

When anxiety gets triggered, no one around knows how to help unless they've been there before. And those people just know there's no way to help. If you've never seen someone having a panic attack, it can be horrifying: hyperventilating, crying, shaking. I don't blame anyone for being scared by seeing one of my attacks. Recently, I had one that sent me to the ER. When my mom found me, I was in the fetal position and my fingernails had turned blue because I wasn't breathing.

This is something that is not within my control. It is not something I have learned how to fight yet. I will get there.

I usually don't know what will trigger a panic attack. Sometimes it will get triggered and then the next time that very same thing won't trigger it. It's a hard way to live. Medicine has to be tweaked over and over again until just the right combination can be found for my body specifically.

Two things about anxiety and depression must be understood: 1. They are real. 2. They are medical conditions. Ignorance of these two facts is not an excuse for treating someone with these disorders like any less of a human being. We don't bite. It's just a little bit harder for us sometimes. We don't belong in the psych ward.

Don't get me wrong. My life, even with anxiety, is not the worst. Everybody struggles. And we all struggle differently. This should also be understood. Tolerance is something we often lack as a society.

For a while I viewed taking medication everyday as a bad thing. I often thought, "Why do I have to do this to be normal? Why do I need help to function properly?". Then I realized, we all need help to function properly. We all have to do daily maintenance. We all need water everyday and food. I just happen to have a few pills added onto that list and I'm not alone on that one.

Anxiety is something I struggle with. It does not control my life. It will not take me over. It will not win.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. I have been sent home from work several times. I have either been late to class or skipped it all together. I cannot complete a homework assignment without my mom sitting next to me or I'll have a panic attack. Being alone is not an option. And on the spiritual side of things, (this is the hardest part) nothing Jesus related is resonating with me right now.

Like I said, anxiety alters my reality. My friends keep telling me to press in and pray hard. This is good advice, but for some reason it doesn't make much sense to me right now. I know in my head that Jesus is the only option. I know that He is bigger than this. I know that He has already won. But there's some days I can't bring myself to believe it. Opening my bible is a tiring and frightening task. However, I'm being honest about where I'm at.

It's not wrong to struggle. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is temporary. Even if it lasts the rest of my earthly life, it cannot follow me to eternity. And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard! I'm just not there yet. I will learn and I will get better.

The New York Experiance

For my first ever college spring break I went on a mission trip with my church. We hit the streets of New York City for a week to talk to people, pray with them, and most importantly, get them connected with Jesus.

I'd never been to the Big City before. I'd also never been on a mission trip. In preparation for this trip, all team members had to go to "story training" to learn techniques for effectively spreading the gospel. No matter how many times I looked through those booklets and practiced asking the questions, nothing could have prepared me for what God was going to do that week.

I met actors, business men, college students, homeless people, atheists, agnostics, passionate Christ followers, people that just weren't sure, and everyone in between. That combination of people makes for a pool of interesting stories and that's exactly what I got. God is teaching me how to listen.

I love to talk and I love to be heard, but I am not the only one with a good story. I don't always have to be the one making everyone laugh, or the one that's giving advice, or the one that's talking about my obstacles. It's important to share life with the people around you! I realized that they knew so much about me and loved me so well, but I had not often enough taken the time to listen to them and learn more about them so I could be a better friend for them. It's not about me.

During the week, there was one day in particular where our group was wandering around Washington Square Park in pairs engaging the people that happened to be there. My partner and I ran into two young ladies who were taking a poll about the environment of the park. We got to talking to them about their thoughts on our four worldview questions that were designed to lead into a conversation about Jesus (How do you think it all began? What's wrong with the world? Is there any hope? And what does the future hold for you when your time on earth is done?). One of the girls had an interesting answer to the second question and I wanted to inquire more about it. When I began to talk, my partner said "just wait". Of course he wasn't being mean. He thought I was going to go into the story of Jesus before we were done asking the questions. It was just a misunderstanding between us, but that was the moment when I realized my tendency to dominate conversation. My comments are not the most important.

Learning to listen is one of the most valuable things I've learned in college so far. I don't have it down yet: interrupting is a bad habit of mine. I also like to turn conversations back to me. I'm practicing listening:) And practice makes perfect!

I got to first hand witness God moving and working in our world during my time in NYC. He is such a BIG and loving God. He designed every moment of the universe and of our lives to bring that group of 31 people together for the sole purpose of bringing him glory. Impenetrable bonds were formed among the team and we all left impacted. It's safe to say we will never be the same people we were stepping onto that plane in Midway Airport.

The Story Wall

Last week I had an amazing opportunity to work a story wall on my campus.


This story wall was a place for people to come and share bits and pieces of their lives with willing and ready to listen volunteers. Three themes arched this past week: thankfulness, struggles, and hopefulness. Each day my companions and I would ask a new question and tell the participants to write down their answer and tell a story about it. They got a free piece of candy in return and we received a collection of words and phrases that represented the hearts of those who wrote them.

For me specifically, this was a learning experience. I'm learning about the value of people. I see these people in the halls and in class almost every day, but it becomes the norm to ignore them and hang out with the people I've already befriended. These people don't simply exist when I see them. They have a background, struggles, celebrations, and a future and they are desperately wanting to  be heard.

Of course some people didn't want to participate and some only told goofy stories so they could get free candy, but even those stories said a lot about the person. I stood there for a few hours each day listening to people talk about what's going on in their worlds! Some people didn't even want candy, they just wanted to tell us a story. Everything from kidney transplants, to stories about Afghanistan, to pets, to a plethora of young men that were especially thankful for their mothers.

My favorite story (not that I'm choosing favorites;) was that of an older Chinese man. He didn't speak English very well, but he still wanted to tell us all about his new granddaughter. He also told my friend Laura and I about his journey as a Christian in China. "Church?! That means you love Jesus?!" This is what he exclaimed when we told him the wall was set up by a campus ministry we were a part of! To hear someone be this excited about the presence of the church on campus made the whole experience that much more meaningful. We were there to encourage people, but we ended being so blessed by our conversation with this particular man. We were able to hear about his baptism and his daughters faith and influence on his. He left to go back to China this month, but his story is one that I will not forget.

Everyone has a unique story to bring to the world. Everyone has friends, hard times, funny childhood memories, and aspirations. All stories hold significance. Every person matters infinitely to God and simply by that fact, every person should matter infinitely to me as well. This experience taught me how to listen better and care better for people. I'm not generally one for small talk. Every time I have a conversation with someone, I like to walk away knowing one more thing about them than I did when the conversation began. I was able to exercise that and meet some awesome new people. The story table was a very humbling experience that opened my eyes to lives and stories that were different than mine.