Anxiety alters my reality.
No two people see the world the same way, but for people who have anxiety disorders, it's a whole different story.
I don't know exactly when anxiety began to be prevalent in my life, but looking back I see where it was creeping in. Then, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with a disorder.
I just thought I was going crazy! What, with all the panic attacks and the constant, reeling thoughts.
People would tell me, "it's all in your head". And they are right. That's the problem.
The hard thing about anxiety is that it is 'all in your head'. For example: With a broken bone, the diagnosis is easy and everybody knows what's going on and they know how to help. Same with the flu, everybody knows how it feels and they all have a favorite mother's remedy to give you. But, with anxiety (or depression), it's not that simple.
You see, often times people with these disorders get really good at hiding it. So they seem to function like a "normal" person. That is until something triggers it. And then suddenly everything changes: little things become harder, daily tasks are not in the realm of possible, and fear is lurking in every corner of the mind. When this is going on, it's all I can think about. It's almost impossible to see beyond the walls closing in on me. Some days, getting out of bed is my only victory.
When anxiety gets triggered, no one around knows how to help unless they've been there before. And those people just know there's no way to help. If you've never seen someone having a panic attack, it can be horrifying: hyperventilating, crying, shaking. I don't blame anyone for being scared by seeing one of my attacks. Recently, I had one that sent me to the ER. When my mom found me, I was in the fetal position and my fingernails had turned blue because I wasn't breathing.
This is something that is not within my control. It is not something I have learned how to fight yet. I will get there.
I usually don't know what will trigger a panic attack. Sometimes it will get triggered and then the next time that very same thing won't trigger it. It's a hard way to live. Medicine has to be tweaked over and over again until just the right combination can be found for my body specifically.
Two things about anxiety and depression must be understood: 1. They are real. 2. They are medical conditions. Ignorance of these two facts is not an excuse for treating someone with these disorders like any less of a human being. We don't bite. It's just a little bit harder for us sometimes. We don't belong in the psych ward.
Don't get me wrong. My life, even with anxiety, is not the worst. Everybody struggles. And we all struggle differently. This should also be understood. Tolerance is something we often lack as a society.
For a while I viewed taking medication everyday as a bad thing. I often thought, "Why do I have to do this to be normal? Why do I need help to function properly?". Then I realized, we all need help to function properly. We all have to do daily maintenance. We all need water everyday and food. I just happen to have a few pills added onto that list and I'm not alone on that one.
Anxiety is something I struggle with. It does not control my life. It will not take me over. It will not win.
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. I have been sent home from work several times. I have either been late to class or skipped it all together. I cannot complete a homework assignment without my mom sitting next to me or I'll have a panic attack. Being alone is not an option. And on the spiritual side of things, (this is the hardest part) nothing Jesus related is resonating with me right now.
Like I said, anxiety alters my reality. My friends keep telling me to press in and pray hard. This is good advice, but for some reason it doesn't make much sense to me right now. I know in my head that Jesus is the only option. I know that He is bigger than this. I know that He has already won. But there's some days I can't bring myself to believe it. Opening my bible is a tiring and frightening task. However, I'm being honest about where I'm at.
It's not wrong to struggle. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is temporary. Even if it lasts the rest of my earthly life, it cannot follow me to eternity. And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard! I'm just not there yet. I will learn and I will get better.
Hi, hun. Just want to say that I think it's a total God thing when He brings two similar people together.
ReplyDeleteReading through this, I’m brought back to the time I thought I was at my wit’s end. The anxiety and depression began my sophomore year of high school and extended until the beginning of my senior year of high school. What really hurt the most was even after finally getting to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior the summer before my junior year, I was still struggling with my own thoughts. You’d think that once you know God, it’s all just going to be okay. Wrong. And it hurt to be told to be joyous because eternal life is all that matters, it hurt to be told to recognize my own worth because I was a child of God, it hurt to be told that maybe I wasn’t a real Christian because I attempted to end my own life and lacked faith that God could get me through my internal struggle. But Christians struggle, too. We aren’t perfect. We are just as human. And we hurt and feel in spite of what we’re told. Even though I knew my value in Christ, even though I knew that I should have rested in God knowing that it will be all right, my mind still wrapped around the fact that I was hurting each and every day…and I believed that the only way to end it was to do the unspeakable. I loved God, but I just couldn’t take another day. I couldn’t stand feeling the way I felt, to constantly be down about myself and to completely hate the life I was living. That was how I felt, and I acted upon those feelings.
But praise God, He is more powerful than I chalked Him up to be. What should have killed me, didn’t. And I saw that God had a purpose for me, even though I couldn’t quite feel it yet. Even in my valley low, God still held me in His hand and whispered hope. After surviving that, I still felt anxious and paranoid and depressed and hurt. But something changed. I could actually believe that as blinded by the present that I was, God was still in control of my future. He had great plans in mind for me. And I couldn’t possibly see how He was going to get me through it, but I knew that someday it’d be okay.
Having struggled with self-injury years prior while I was in junior high, and having God miraculously bring me out of that even though I barely knew Him then…it made it all the more easier to see that God can bring beauty out from the ashes of this broken life. Remembering the good that God has done in my life even when I didn’t know Him or even when I chose everything but Him…He has shown how unconditional His love is for me. And He has given this misused verse a lot more meaning—
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”
This verse is completely true, like the rest of the Bible (; It was through being broken, that God changed me. My faith grew through those broken times, a change for the better. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, I have physical and emotional scars from my brokenness, but those scars are healed and they are a reminder of how God really can bring about His Good and Perfect Will.
I’m so glad of your resolve—that the struggle is temporary. It is. Especially in the light of eternity, this life is but just a season. God is working in you right now, even when the truth spoken to you doesn’t make sense, He’s helping you grow and learn and trust in Him. Just your faith in Him now is a testimony, but He’s not finished with you yet.
Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:”
From the very day you believed, God’s Spirit has been changing you. And it doesn’t stop when you feel that it has stopped. It doesn’t stop once you struggle with anxiety again or once you get a bad grade or once a boy tells you he’s not into you or once you have a bad day at work…God is still with you. And He’s got an amazing purpose for you in His Will.
Thank you so much for spilling your heart out. It takes a lot of courage to do so. To admit one’s own feats. Though we may feel ashamed by our faults, we are unified in this—
II Corinthians 12:9 “…My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
The Gospel message—that God saw humanity’s despair…and came to save us. When we see how broken we are, when we admit how powerless we are to fix our lives, when we can come to the cross and lay it all at His feet, God’s grace can shine through. And we can witness the power of God change and affect our lives. Better than any solution we can come up with, God’s Will is always perfect and good. And it’s all because of His great love for us. Praise be to God.
From your random sister in Christ, many blessings to you <3
Thank you for your encouragement! I really enjoyed reading your story! Every story is important and I really appreciate you sharing yours! Seriously, thank you so much!
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