Victory and its King

*** Warning: Deep waters ahead ***

I haven't posted in over a year. Let me give you a picture of what this last year has held for me.

On September 30, 2016, my fighting spirit died. Up until that point I had called myself a conqueror and had not given into my anxiety and depression. That night they took over. I was at a worship night. The irony (and beauty) of this is that the theme of this worship night was resurrection. We were all wearing white and singing praises to our God who has conquered the grave.

I could not stop crying. I was overcome by my depression and anxiety. I was ready to give up. I texted my boyfriend and said,

"I have never wanted to die more than I do right now".

Shortly after that I lost control over my thoughts and slowly the madness descended over my body and I could not even control my breath. 

Saturday, October 1st, 2016, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in Franklin, Tennessee. I was lower than I had ever been before. While explaining to a nurse why I was there, I remember she choked back tears as I told her that I didn't want to live anymore and the most frustrating part about having that desire was I knew that I would never actually hurt myself. 

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Reassured that I was not a threat to myself or others, the doctors released me back into my "normal" life. 

Everyone that loves me kept telling me to cling to God. "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "God knows what you're going through", "He's holding you", "Give it over to Him and He will heal you". Blah. Blah. Blah. I was so angry at God. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped going to small group. I stopped serving with the junior highers without telling anyone. I stopped going to service altogether. I stopped praying before I ate. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God. 

I believe, very strongly, that the Lord has told me that I am going to deal with anxiety and depression, to some degree, for the rest of this life. I've known that for a long time now, but after being in a psych hospital the reality of it began to set in. I have felt trapped and abused by my own mind. I have not been able to see an "out" for my struggle. I don't have a foreseeable end to this suffering. I began to grieve the loss of the life I could've had, had God chosen to heal me. If that even makes sense. I began to believe that I would never see victory over my mental illness. 

This approach to my mental health was incredibly destructive and it took its toll. I have never been through such a dark time in my entire life. Riddled with suicidal thoughts, grief, anger, and sometimes hatred; I knew that I was in the wrong. 

God is a healer, yes. He hates to see us broken and LOVES to set us free from our ailments. But when He chooses not to heal, He is entirely justified. He has told me that I am more useful to the kingdom with the testimony of an ongoing struggle than I am with a testimony of miraculous healing. Somewhere down the line, there will be a person struggling with something similar and I will be equipped with an intimate knowledge of their situation and therefore in a place where I will be able to speak into that person's life. And to God, one more soul in Heaven is worth it. 

I know all this, deep within my heart. I know He is right. I know He is good. I know He is faithful. I know He is just. I know He cares for me. I know that I am single-handedly responsible for the wall that has now been built between Christ and me. But that didn't change the fact that I was in the middle of a grieving process and that I had emotions that Christ also deemed valid.

He is not afraid of my questions or anger or doubt or grief. He just wants me back.

***

I began writing this post about 4 months ago. God has come through all the noise so clearly to tell me that I am not alone in my suffering and that I will not be left this way (He brings healing in eternity). This journey back to Him is difficult. At times, I am still angry. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still do not feel safe in church. I do not pick up my bible every day. I do not pray to Him every day. But, I'm trying. I'm doing my best and God is accepting that with open arms. He will not turn me away just because I'm not where I used to be. This is all that I have right now and He looks at it, smiles, and sees infinite value where I see brokenness and worthlessness.

I began writing this post almost exactly a year after I was released from the hospital. I wanted to say something corny about how God foreshadowed my "resurrection" with the theme of that worship night. But, some days, I still feel like I'm in the grave. And that's okay. Right now, I'm in a valley. I'm learning who I am again. I'm trying to find the girl that anxiety and depression buried. She's here. Somewhere. I hope.

I'm seeing God from a new angle. From here, to me, everything looks like loose ends with no destination. But the King has promised to bring all things to completion. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I'm here. Trying to hang on, while He does most of the work. And that's okay for right now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will try my best again. That, by itself, is a victory.

The Time that I Thought I'd be Homeless...

Y'all, Jesus is so good. I will never know how much He has done for me. I will never know the extent of what my life cost of Him. Even in seasons where I am deliberately running from Him, He madly pursues me and continues to work things in my favor. And then all of that comes back to glorify Him. HOW?!?! I will never know. He meets with me one-on-one when I pray and listens to every word I'm saying. I will never know how much He cares for me. He is on my team: every time.

The Lord is blowing my mind lately; in the ways that He provides for me and so faithfully teaches me and leads me. He is so good. He did everything for me (which is convenient, given how lazy I am). Wow. Since I've moved to Tennessee, I have seen Him move in new ways. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined.

This past month, my living situation has been, very uncomfortably, up in the air. I'm not too fond of the idea of indefinitely couch surfing, even though I have amazing people in my life that wouldn't let me sleep in my car. I had two prospective roommates and we were looking for a three person house to live in. I will emphasize the word house. I have no interest in living in an apartment or student housing of any kind. Given that I live in a college town, there are a lot of rental houses available. However, the other two decided to go in a different direction.

After my (quite unnecessary) panic attack settled, I started asking around to see what my options were. I did not want to do the random roommate thing. The very. next. day. I got a text from a girl who is friends with one of the girls in my small group. This girl said her and two other friends were renting a four bedroom apartment and didn't want a random roommate in the fourth room. Given that our mutual friend is an awesome gal and very trustworthy, I figured that these, too, were solid girls.

However, I've already expressed my dislike for student housing and apartments. This four bedroom was both... So, being the stubborn person I am, I ignored the blessing that God placed in front of me and kept looking, while keeping the door open to the four bedroom as a back-up. I can be so ungrateful sometimes.

Over the course of the next week and a half, I was coming up empty. Now I can see why: because God had already given me what I needed. But, since it wasn't I wanted, I turned my nose up at it. Jesus has humbled me so much these past few days (obviously, this was much needed). He so clearly revealed to me that He had already given me everything I needed. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. This apartment is incredibly affordable, completely furnished, comes with roommates recommended by someone I trust. This place even has in-unit laundry, utilities included in the super cheap rent, and a shuttle to my school if I don't feel like dealing with the atrocious parking situation on campus.

Thankfully, this door was still open. I filled out an application for the apartment complex last night and was pre-approved! And then I promptly fell on my face and praised the God who graciously gives all things. He is a good, good father who delights in taking care of His children.

Matthew 6:25-34

My incredible boyfriend sent me this passage during my panic attack and my response was "I hate that verse". Yes, I actually said that about the Word of The Living God. I can be so arrogant. (I had A LOT to apologize for in my prayer time following this ordeal). But, the truth of His word does not depend on my feelings about it at any given time - praise Him for that, haha! 

I am so thankful for the way that God works in my life. He has given me so much that I don't deserve and saved me from so much that I probably do deserve. He's teaching me to be teachable through some pretty tough lessons, but I am so grateful that He hasn't given up on me even when it would be totally justified. He's so good. My only response is to try and bring Him glory with my life.

When People Fail You

The most powerful thing we are capable of as humans is loving one another. This is also one of the most important things that we're capable of. Relationship is essential to us.

Friends, family, and significant others assist us through the challenges in life and are also present to celebrate our victories. We aren't meant to do life alone. Community matters. We need people in our lives to help us when we can't help ourselves or to encourage us when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The joyful moments are so much better when we have people we love and trust to share them with. 

Sometimes, though, we put too much on a person: our expectations are too high. We want someone to come through on something and then they just.... don't. They let you down. Regardless of whether it's intentional or not, pain comes with it. Disappointment and hurt accompany it. We forget that the people in our lives are human and we are so abruptly reminded at the moments where it's least convenient. 

People fail us. It's never a fun occurrence, but it's a fact of life. In those moments, all we can control is our reaction. Do I get angry or do I have grace? I have found myself in this position many times before. I've also been on the other side, begging for my friend to see and forgive my humanness. 

It's here where I start to lose faith in my friends and wonder if hurt is just something I'm going to have to cope with forever. It's here where I have began to question whether or not some friendships are worth continuing. It is here where trust has been ruptured and scars have been formed. And it's here, also, that I'm reminded of the perfection of my Savior. He will never fail. He comes through, every time. 

People suck. We all have experience in that. We're all broken. And yet, somehow, we still have a capacity for deep and moving love. It's incredible really. More often then not, that love is stronger after it's taken a hit. Doesn't really make sense, does it? We see the deepest, ugliest flaws in people and we give them more of ourselves. Why?

We empathize with the human quality that's revealed in those moments: imperfection. It's the thing that nobody wants to admit they possess and much less show others. Through the pain of the incident, we see a bit of the truth that we hold as well. The truth that neither can we give it all every time; no matter how badly we wish we could.

But, the question still stands: grace or anger? I think that healing happens more abundantly and and rapidly when grace is extended. Now, there are sometimes where toxic people enter our lives and we have to let them go, but that can be done in grace as well. The natural instinct is to get mad when wronged, which makes it a hard instinct to fight. But, if that can be overridden by grace, how different would relationship look?

Elevating people to a position higher than where they should be is crushing when it inevitably collapses. I know that sometimes I forget that humans are humans and, in particularly difficult periods, I treat them as lifelines. This always backfires on me. We all fall short. Jesus is the only one who upholds and exceeds our standards. He's everything we will ever need. People can't fill that place, no matter how badly I want them too. This is so hard because people are tangible. I can physically hug a friend when I'm hurting. But, Jesus offers more and I forget that.

Here's the cool thing that I've learned recently. Community rocks. I love people. And the Lord still lets us have community even when we abuse relationships and put people above Him. He extends grace when we fail Him. Every time. He picks us up, dusts us off, and shows us how to do it better. He teaches us how to give this same type of grace when we're faced with failure as well.

We can love because He first loved us. He can give grace because he has given it to us. We can move forward because He has made a way. When people fail us, we can forgive and rebuild because that's what the Lord does for us.

Easier said than done, I know. It's just a thought I had. 

Good 'ol Ma and Pop

We all resent our parents at one point or another growing up. Sometimes those things are never reconciled and that is an unfortunate case. However, my parents and I now have a great relationship. They trust me. I trust them. I involve them in my life and they treat me like an adult.

It's funny how much you learn from your parents after you move a few states away. Many, many times I have called my mom to tell her exactly how right she has been my entire life. I relearn their lessons on a daily basis: speak kindly, think before you open your mouth, listen to people that know more than you, listen to people in general, stay in church, find christian community, be a good friend to get good friends, etc. I am so blessed with the parents God gave me.

The most important thing my parents have taught me was never actually said. It's all in the way they live and love. Now, upon entering young adulthood, I can't help but start to daydream about marriage and my future family. Looking at the way my parents love each other and how they have made it 25+ years without calling it quits, I am truly amazed.

Even just the way they look at each other says so much. They have done their best at every turn to keep God as the center of their relationship and as the true head of our family. They sought wise counsel in the particularly rough patches and made sure that my siblings and I not only had good friends, but also adults that we could trust. They kept us in church and set an example of just how important it is to serve.

I am blown away by the way they so intentionally approached parenting. Now that I see it from a different perspective, I'm left speechless. (Not to mention, absolutely terrified that I'm going to be a horrible parent, haha). They payed attention to each of my three siblings and I individually and tailored their parenting style accordingly. Be it punishments, rewards, communication styles, or sense of humor, my parents realized that we were each our own little person and they didn't parent any of us the same way. I cannot even fathom how difficult that must've been.

Admittedly, my family still has issues. There still exist some bumps and bruises from my childhood that I have not completely healed from. However, as I get further away from my younger years, both in age and geography, I start to see why things happened. And I am so incredibly thankful for the grace that God gave my parents to act with. I begin to understand the things my parents hid from me and why. I also begin to understand the toll that life takes on people after a while and the importance of apologies.

Surely, I'm not done learning the wisdom that my parents showed me throughout my life. I'm most definitely not done being humbled by God and His way of showing me to listen to the warnings they gave, probably more than once. I am beyond grateful for the parents I got placed with and I did absolutely nothing to deserve them. I hope that I have a fraction of the parenting skill they have and even an ounce of the marriage they are both so devoted to. Here's to Mom and Dad

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard."

In less than 48 hours I will be saying goodbye to the town where I have spent my entire life up to this point. I've been climbing the walls to get out of here since I can remember! Up until my junior year of high school I didn't know what my future destination would be, I just knew it would be far from here. If I never see a corn stalk again it'll be too soon. When I discovered my passion for music and my knack for selling t-shirts ;), I knew that Nashville is where I belonged. And I haven't shut up about it since!

I thought that I would pack up and never look back: ready to take on whatever life had to throw at me, as long as it didn't include the Midwest. Of course I love my family! They're great! I will definitely make time to see them and continue to invest in their lives. However, I didn't have many close friends in the area so family was the only thing here for me... that is until my freshman year of college.

Last night I found myself weeping during worship at my last service with my companions from my first year of college. They have walked through life with me this past year and have shown me what true community is about. Don't tell any of them this, but I seriously reconsidered staying here so I could continue this journey with them:). But, my heart longs for Tennessee and it is my dream!

My Campus Church (now Encounter) family will always hold a special place in my heart. Doing ministry with them this past year has truly humbled me and opened my eyes to what being the church really means. Each and every one of them lives knowing the truth that God is with them and it shows. They are a light in the darkness of every college campus in this town (and that's a lot of campuses!).

You are the people that I will tell my children about when they head off to college. You are the friends that I will always share a special bond with. Yours are the memories I reminisce on when I'm feeling disconnected. You, the people holding me up, are the only reason I made it through this last year standing. You made this sojourner feel at home in a difficult transition year. And yours are the photos hanging on my dorm room wall.

My heart is heavy leaving them, but my head is held high knowing that we will be together again. If it's not Christmas break then it will be Heaven:).

The Truth About My Anxiety

Anxiety alters my reality.

No two people see the world the same way, but for people who have anxiety disorders, it's a whole different story.

I don't know exactly when anxiety began to be prevalent in my life, but looking back I see where it was creeping in. Then, about a year ago, I was diagnosed with a disorder.

I just thought I was going crazy! What, with all the panic attacks and the constant, reeling thoughts.
People would tell me, "it's all in your head". And they are right. That's the problem.

The hard thing about anxiety is that it is 'all in your head'. For example: With a broken bone, the diagnosis is easy and everybody knows what's going on and they know how to help. Same with the flu, everybody knows how it feels and they all have a favorite mother's remedy to give you. But, with anxiety (or depression), it's not that simple.

You see, often times people with these disorders get really good at hiding it. So they seem to function like a "normal" person. That is until something triggers it. And then suddenly everything changes: little things become harder, daily tasks are not in the realm of possible, and fear is lurking in every corner of the mind. When this is going on, it's all I can think about. It's almost impossible to see beyond the walls closing in on me. Some days, getting out of bed is my only victory.

When anxiety gets triggered, no one around knows how to help unless they've been there before. And those people just know there's no way to help. If you've never seen someone having a panic attack, it can be horrifying: hyperventilating, crying, shaking. I don't blame anyone for being scared by seeing one of my attacks. Recently, I had one that sent me to the ER. When my mom found me, I was in the fetal position and my fingernails had turned blue because I wasn't breathing.

This is something that is not within my control. It is not something I have learned how to fight yet. I will get there.

I usually don't know what will trigger a panic attack. Sometimes it will get triggered and then the next time that very same thing won't trigger it. It's a hard way to live. Medicine has to be tweaked over and over again until just the right combination can be found for my body specifically.

Two things about anxiety and depression must be understood: 1. They are real. 2. They are medical conditions. Ignorance of these two facts is not an excuse for treating someone with these disorders like any less of a human being. We don't bite. It's just a little bit harder for us sometimes. We don't belong in the psych ward.

Don't get me wrong. My life, even with anxiety, is not the worst. Everybody struggles. And we all struggle differently. This should also be understood. Tolerance is something we often lack as a society.

For a while I viewed taking medication everyday as a bad thing. I often thought, "Why do I have to do this to be normal? Why do I need help to function properly?". Then I realized, we all need help to function properly. We all have to do daily maintenance. We all need water everyday and food. I just happen to have a few pills added onto that list and I'm not alone on that one.

Anxiety is something I struggle with. It does not control my life. It will not take me over. It will not win.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind for me. I have been sent home from work several times. I have either been late to class or skipped it all together. I cannot complete a homework assignment without my mom sitting next to me or I'll have a panic attack. Being alone is not an option. And on the spiritual side of things, (this is the hardest part) nothing Jesus related is resonating with me right now.

Like I said, anxiety alters my reality. My friends keep telling me to press in and pray hard. This is good advice, but for some reason it doesn't make much sense to me right now. I know in my head that Jesus is the only option. I know that He is bigger than this. I know that He has already won. But there's some days I can't bring myself to believe it. Opening my bible is a tiring and frightening task. However, I'm being honest about where I'm at.

It's not wrong to struggle. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is temporary. Even if it lasts the rest of my earthly life, it cannot follow me to eternity. And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard! I'm just not there yet. I will learn and I will get better.

The New York Experiance

For my first ever college spring break I went on a mission trip with my church. We hit the streets of New York City for a week to talk to people, pray with them, and most importantly, get them connected with Jesus.

I'd never been to the Big City before. I'd also never been on a mission trip. In preparation for this trip, all team members had to go to "story training" to learn techniques for effectively spreading the gospel. No matter how many times I looked through those booklets and practiced asking the questions, nothing could have prepared me for what God was going to do that week.

I met actors, business men, college students, homeless people, atheists, agnostics, passionate Christ followers, people that just weren't sure, and everyone in between. That combination of people makes for a pool of interesting stories and that's exactly what I got. God is teaching me how to listen.

I love to talk and I love to be heard, but I am not the only one with a good story. I don't always have to be the one making everyone laugh, or the one that's giving advice, or the one that's talking about my obstacles. It's important to share life with the people around you! I realized that they knew so much about me and loved me so well, but I had not often enough taken the time to listen to them and learn more about them so I could be a better friend for them. It's not about me.

During the week, there was one day in particular where our group was wandering around Washington Square Park in pairs engaging the people that happened to be there. My partner and I ran into two young ladies who were taking a poll about the environment of the park. We got to talking to them about their thoughts on our four worldview questions that were designed to lead into a conversation about Jesus (How do you think it all began? What's wrong with the world? Is there any hope? And what does the future hold for you when your time on earth is done?). One of the girls had an interesting answer to the second question and I wanted to inquire more about it. When I began to talk, my partner said "just wait". Of course he wasn't being mean. He thought I was going to go into the story of Jesus before we were done asking the questions. It was just a misunderstanding between us, but that was the moment when I realized my tendency to dominate conversation. My comments are not the most important.

Learning to listen is one of the most valuable things I've learned in college so far. I don't have it down yet: interrupting is a bad habit of mine. I also like to turn conversations back to me. I'm practicing listening:) And practice makes perfect!

I got to first hand witness God moving and working in our world during my time in NYC. He is such a BIG and loving God. He designed every moment of the universe and of our lives to bring that group of 31 people together for the sole purpose of bringing him glory. Impenetrable bonds were formed among the team and we all left impacted. It's safe to say we will never be the same people we were stepping onto that plane in Midway Airport.