Victory and its King

*** Warning: Deep waters ahead ***

I haven't posted in over a year. Let me give you a picture of what this last year has held for me.

On September 30, 2016, my fighting spirit died. Up until that point I had called myself a conqueror and had not given into my anxiety and depression. That night they took over. I was at a worship night. The irony (and beauty) of this is that the theme of this worship night was resurrection. We were all wearing white and singing praises to our God who has conquered the grave.

I could not stop crying. I was overcome by my depression and anxiety. I was ready to give up. I texted my boyfriend and said,

"I have never wanted to die more than I do right now".

Shortly after that I lost control over my thoughts and slowly the madness descended over my body and I could not even control my breath. 

Saturday, October 1st, 2016, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in Franklin, Tennessee. I was lower than I had ever been before. While explaining to a nurse why I was there, I remember she choked back tears as I told her that I didn't want to live anymore and the most frustrating part about having that desire was I knew that I would never actually hurt myself. 

I was in the hospital for 5 days. Reassured that I was not a threat to myself or others, the doctors released me back into my "normal" life. 

Everyone that loves me kept telling me to cling to God. "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "God knows what you're going through", "He's holding you", "Give it over to Him and He will heal you". Blah. Blah. Blah. I was so angry at God. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped going to small group. I stopped serving with the junior highers without telling anyone. I stopped going to service altogether. I stopped praying before I ate. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God. 

I believe, very strongly, that the Lord has told me that I am going to deal with anxiety and depression, to some degree, for the rest of this life. I've known that for a long time now, but after being in a psych hospital the reality of it began to set in. I have felt trapped and abused by my own mind. I have not been able to see an "out" for my struggle. I don't have a foreseeable end to this suffering. I began to grieve the loss of the life I could've had, had God chosen to heal me. If that even makes sense. I began to believe that I would never see victory over my mental illness. 

This approach to my mental health was incredibly destructive and it took its toll. I have never been through such a dark time in my entire life. Riddled with suicidal thoughts, grief, anger, and sometimes hatred; I knew that I was in the wrong. 

God is a healer, yes. He hates to see us broken and LOVES to set us free from our ailments. But when He chooses not to heal, He is entirely justified. He has told me that I am more useful to the kingdom with the testimony of an ongoing struggle than I am with a testimony of miraculous healing. Somewhere down the line, there will be a person struggling with something similar and I will be equipped with an intimate knowledge of their situation and therefore in a place where I will be able to speak into that person's life. And to God, one more soul in Heaven is worth it. 

I know all this, deep within my heart. I know He is right. I know He is good. I know He is faithful. I know He is just. I know He cares for me. I know that I am single-handedly responsible for the wall that has now been built between Christ and me. But that didn't change the fact that I was in the middle of a grieving process and that I had emotions that Christ also deemed valid.

He is not afraid of my questions or anger or doubt or grief. He just wants me back.

***

I began writing this post about 4 months ago. God has come through all the noise so clearly to tell me that I am not alone in my suffering and that I will not be left this way (He brings healing in eternity). This journey back to Him is difficult. At times, I am still angry. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still do not feel safe in church. I do not pick up my bible every day. I do not pray to Him every day. But, I'm trying. I'm doing my best and God is accepting that with open arms. He will not turn me away just because I'm not where I used to be. This is all that I have right now and He looks at it, smiles, and sees infinite value where I see brokenness and worthlessness.

I began writing this post almost exactly a year after I was released from the hospital. I wanted to say something corny about how God foreshadowed my "resurrection" with the theme of that worship night. But, some days, I still feel like I'm in the grave. And that's okay. Right now, I'm in a valley. I'm learning who I am again. I'm trying to find the girl that anxiety and depression buried. She's here. Somewhere. I hope.

I'm seeing God from a new angle. From here, to me, everything looks like loose ends with no destination. But the King has promised to bring all things to completion. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I'm here. Trying to hang on, while He does most of the work. And that's okay for right now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will try my best again. That, by itself, is a victory.

The Time that I Thought I'd be Homeless...

Y'all, Jesus is so good. I will never know how much He has done for me. I will never know the extent of what my life cost of Him. Even in seasons where I am deliberately running from Him, He madly pursues me and continues to work things in my favor. And then all of that comes back to glorify Him. HOW?!?! I will never know. He meets with me one-on-one when I pray and listens to every word I'm saying. I will never know how much He cares for me. He is on my team: every time.

The Lord is blowing my mind lately; in the ways that He provides for me and so faithfully teaches me and leads me. He is so good. He did everything for me (which is convenient, given how lazy I am). Wow. Since I've moved to Tennessee, I have seen Him move in new ways. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined.

This past month, my living situation has been, very uncomfortably, up in the air. I'm not too fond of the idea of indefinitely couch surfing, even though I have amazing people in my life that wouldn't let me sleep in my car. I had two prospective roommates and we were looking for a three person house to live in. I will emphasize the word house. I have no interest in living in an apartment or student housing of any kind. Given that I live in a college town, there are a lot of rental houses available. However, the other two decided to go in a different direction.

After my (quite unnecessary) panic attack settled, I started asking around to see what my options were. I did not want to do the random roommate thing. The very. next. day. I got a text from a girl who is friends with one of the girls in my small group. This girl said her and two other friends were renting a four bedroom apartment and didn't want a random roommate in the fourth room. Given that our mutual friend is an awesome gal and very trustworthy, I figured that these, too, were solid girls.

However, I've already expressed my dislike for student housing and apartments. This four bedroom was both... So, being the stubborn person I am, I ignored the blessing that God placed in front of me and kept looking, while keeping the door open to the four bedroom as a back-up. I can be so ungrateful sometimes.

Over the course of the next week and a half, I was coming up empty. Now I can see why: because God had already given me what I needed. But, since it wasn't I wanted, I turned my nose up at it. Jesus has humbled me so much these past few days (obviously, this was much needed). He so clearly revealed to me that He had already given me everything I needed. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. This apartment is incredibly affordable, completely furnished, comes with roommates recommended by someone I trust. This place even has in-unit laundry, utilities included in the super cheap rent, and a shuttle to my school if I don't feel like dealing with the atrocious parking situation on campus.

Thankfully, this door was still open. I filled out an application for the apartment complex last night and was pre-approved! And then I promptly fell on my face and praised the God who graciously gives all things. He is a good, good father who delights in taking care of His children.

Matthew 6:25-34

My incredible boyfriend sent me this passage during my panic attack and my response was "I hate that verse". Yes, I actually said that about the Word of The Living God. I can be so arrogant. (I had A LOT to apologize for in my prayer time following this ordeal). But, the truth of His word does not depend on my feelings about it at any given time - praise Him for that, haha! 

I am so thankful for the way that God works in my life. He has given me so much that I don't deserve and saved me from so much that I probably do deserve. He's teaching me to be teachable through some pretty tough lessons, but I am so grateful that He hasn't given up on me even when it would be totally justified. He's so good. My only response is to try and bring Him glory with my life.

When People Fail You

The most powerful thing we are capable of as humans is loving one another. This is also one of the most important things that we're capable of. Relationship is essential to us.

Friends, family, and significant others assist us through the challenges in life and are also present to celebrate our victories. We aren't meant to do life alone. Community matters. We need people in our lives to help us when we can't help ourselves or to encourage us when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The joyful moments are so much better when we have people we love and trust to share them with. 

Sometimes, though, we put too much on a person: our expectations are too high. We want someone to come through on something and then they just.... don't. They let you down. Regardless of whether it's intentional or not, pain comes with it. Disappointment and hurt accompany it. We forget that the people in our lives are human and we are so abruptly reminded at the moments where it's least convenient. 

People fail us. It's never a fun occurrence, but it's a fact of life. In those moments, all we can control is our reaction. Do I get angry or do I have grace? I have found myself in this position many times before. I've also been on the other side, begging for my friend to see and forgive my humanness. 

It's here where I start to lose faith in my friends and wonder if hurt is just something I'm going to have to cope with forever. It's here where I have began to question whether or not some friendships are worth continuing. It is here where trust has been ruptured and scars have been formed. And it's here, also, that I'm reminded of the perfection of my Savior. He will never fail. He comes through, every time. 

People suck. We all have experience in that. We're all broken. And yet, somehow, we still have a capacity for deep and moving love. It's incredible really. More often then not, that love is stronger after it's taken a hit. Doesn't really make sense, does it? We see the deepest, ugliest flaws in people and we give them more of ourselves. Why?

We empathize with the human quality that's revealed in those moments: imperfection. It's the thing that nobody wants to admit they possess and much less show others. Through the pain of the incident, we see a bit of the truth that we hold as well. The truth that neither can we give it all every time; no matter how badly we wish we could.

But, the question still stands: grace or anger? I think that healing happens more abundantly and and rapidly when grace is extended. Now, there are sometimes where toxic people enter our lives and we have to let them go, but that can be done in grace as well. The natural instinct is to get mad when wronged, which makes it a hard instinct to fight. But, if that can be overridden by grace, how different would relationship look?

Elevating people to a position higher than where they should be is crushing when it inevitably collapses. I know that sometimes I forget that humans are humans and, in particularly difficult periods, I treat them as lifelines. This always backfires on me. We all fall short. Jesus is the only one who upholds and exceeds our standards. He's everything we will ever need. People can't fill that place, no matter how badly I want them too. This is so hard because people are tangible. I can physically hug a friend when I'm hurting. But, Jesus offers more and I forget that.

Here's the cool thing that I've learned recently. Community rocks. I love people. And the Lord still lets us have community even when we abuse relationships and put people above Him. He extends grace when we fail Him. Every time. He picks us up, dusts us off, and shows us how to do it better. He teaches us how to give this same type of grace when we're faced with failure as well.

We can love because He first loved us. He can give grace because he has given it to us. We can move forward because He has made a way. When people fail us, we can forgive and rebuild because that's what the Lord does for us.

Easier said than done, I know. It's just a thought I had. 

Take Two

So, I haven't posted in a while. So much has happened since I've begun my life down here in Tennessee. 

I love living down here; being so close to Nashville makes my heart leap! There are always adventures to go on and interesting people to meet. And I'm finally able to physically step into it.

Around September, I began having knee problems. It resulted in countless doctor appointments, 4 ER visits (one of which began in an ambulance), a mound of medication that caused my stomach to want revenge, and, finally, a surgery. Now that it is all said and done, I can actually start to put down "roots" - whatever that means in college. 

Ideal? No. Not in the slightest. It made the transition next to impossible. When you're in that much pain all the time, making friends isn't exactly on the radar. Being an extrovert, that was a huge obstacle. Especially, since I didn't have an established community physically around me. Although, I have amazing friends back home who came to see me and love me so well, I was so incredibly lonely. 

I have never known depression like this. I have never known anxiety like this. 

More importantly, I have never known the Lord like this. 

Challenge after challenge and He is my constant, my rock. I didn't always press into that, but it was always available to me. He carried me. He provided for me exactly what I needed every time. He is good. 

While I'm not thrilled with my opening act here in The South, I know there's a purpose to it. Don't ask me what it is, haha, I just have faith that it exists. Through the loneliness and pain (physical and emotional) I've grown so much. But, I can happily say that I'm being brought back to myself again,

I can run around. I have the energy for new friends and late nights. I have the desire for exploration. I have my love for people back in focus. I have the strength to open even the heaviest of doors on campus without assistance. I have the eagerness to get involved in new things. And I have a God who has equipped me to do all of that better. 

I'm so excited to be coming out of the woods. My zest for this chapter of life has been restored and I'm ready to get it started - for real this time. 

Thanks to everyone who has been so encouraging to me (near and far). Thanks to the people who took my 3 am phone calls. Thanks to the pals that went with me to the hospital. Thanks to the friends who went out of their way to drive me around while I was on crutches. Thanks to all of you who had patience with me. Thanks to those who dealt with me through all my medication. Thanks for being part of my life even when it ain't so pretty. 

Here's to take two! Let's hope it's a good one! 

A Coffee Shop in Nashville

Sitting down in Nashville my heart is slow, my breath is light, and my spirit is content; peace comes over me and I know that this is where I belong.

Holding a warm cup of my favorite caramel drink, I feel at home. Music City creates an atmosphere of dreams and diversity. The most amazing array of people converge on this spot in pursuit of a lifetime aspiration or simply a good time and funny story to take home. This place is truly one of a kind.

The stories to be heard here, the times to be had here, the songs yet to be sung, and the friends yet to be made all compose the wonder of this town. I cannot wait to be swept up in it. Never before have I felt so called to be somewhere.

I can't help but let my mind dance with the thoughts of what God has for me here. Looking around at the life and color of the city bring a smile to my face and a glow to my eyes. This is my city. This is where I will thrive. This is where I will have the greatest times of my life. 

Walking its streets, I'm simply in awe of the One who brought it all to be. He reigns here. He has guided me to this place and made me capable of feeling the joy I have here. Whatever comes my way, I will stand secure in who He is and His purpose for me. I don't know what's in store, but I know the one who orchestrates all.

Sitting here, at a coffee shop in Nashville, adventure awaits me.

The New York Experiance

For my first ever college spring break I went on a mission trip with my church. We hit the streets of New York City for a week to talk to people, pray with them, and most importantly, get them connected with Jesus.

I'd never been to the Big City before. I'd also never been on a mission trip. In preparation for this trip, all team members had to go to "story training" to learn techniques for effectively spreading the gospel. No matter how many times I looked through those booklets and practiced asking the questions, nothing could have prepared me for what God was going to do that week.

I met actors, business men, college students, homeless people, atheists, agnostics, passionate Christ followers, people that just weren't sure, and everyone in between. That combination of people makes for a pool of interesting stories and that's exactly what I got. God is teaching me how to listen.

I love to talk and I love to be heard, but I am not the only one with a good story. I don't always have to be the one making everyone laugh, or the one that's giving advice, or the one that's talking about my obstacles. It's important to share life with the people around you! I realized that they knew so much about me and loved me so well, but I had not often enough taken the time to listen to them and learn more about them so I could be a better friend for them. It's not about me.

During the week, there was one day in particular where our group was wandering around Washington Square Park in pairs engaging the people that happened to be there. My partner and I ran into two young ladies who were taking a poll about the environment of the park. We got to talking to them about their thoughts on our four worldview questions that were designed to lead into a conversation about Jesus (How do you think it all began? What's wrong with the world? Is there any hope? And what does the future hold for you when your time on earth is done?). One of the girls had an interesting answer to the second question and I wanted to inquire more about it. When I began to talk, my partner said "just wait". Of course he wasn't being mean. He thought I was going to go into the story of Jesus before we were done asking the questions. It was just a misunderstanding between us, but that was the moment when I realized my tendency to dominate conversation. My comments are not the most important.

Learning to listen is one of the most valuable things I've learned in college so far. I don't have it down yet: interrupting is a bad habit of mine. I also like to turn conversations back to me. I'm practicing listening:) And practice makes perfect!

I got to first hand witness God moving and working in our world during my time in NYC. He is such a BIG and loving God. He designed every moment of the universe and of our lives to bring that group of 31 people together for the sole purpose of bringing him glory. Impenetrable bonds were formed among the team and we all left impacted. It's safe to say we will never be the same people we were stepping onto that plane in Midway Airport.

The Story Wall

Last week I had an amazing opportunity to work a story wall on my campus.


This story wall was a place for people to come and share bits and pieces of their lives with willing and ready to listen volunteers. Three themes arched this past week: thankfulness, struggles, and hopefulness. Each day my companions and I would ask a new question and tell the participants to write down their answer and tell a story about it. They got a free piece of candy in return and we received a collection of words and phrases that represented the hearts of those who wrote them.

For me specifically, this was a learning experience. I'm learning about the value of people. I see these people in the halls and in class almost every day, but it becomes the norm to ignore them and hang out with the people I've already befriended. These people don't simply exist when I see them. They have a background, struggles, celebrations, and a future and they are desperately wanting to  be heard.

Of course some people didn't want to participate and some only told goofy stories so they could get free candy, but even those stories said a lot about the person. I stood there for a few hours each day listening to people talk about what's going on in their worlds! Some people didn't even want candy, they just wanted to tell us a story. Everything from kidney transplants, to stories about Afghanistan, to pets, to a plethora of young men that were especially thankful for their mothers.

My favorite story (not that I'm choosing favorites;) was that of an older Chinese man. He didn't speak English very well, but he still wanted to tell us all about his new granddaughter. He also told my friend Laura and I about his journey as a Christian in China. "Church?! That means you love Jesus?!" This is what he exclaimed when we told him the wall was set up by a campus ministry we were a part of! To hear someone be this excited about the presence of the church on campus made the whole experience that much more meaningful. We were there to encourage people, but we ended being so blessed by our conversation with this particular man. We were able to hear about his baptism and his daughters faith and influence on his. He left to go back to China this month, but his story is one that I will not forget.

Everyone has a unique story to bring to the world. Everyone has friends, hard times, funny childhood memories, and aspirations. All stories hold significance. Every person matters infinitely to God and simply by that fact, every person should matter infinitely to me as well. This experience taught me how to listen better and care better for people. I'm not generally one for small talk. Every time I have a conversation with someone, I like to walk away knowing one more thing about them than I did when the conversation began. I was able to exercise that and meet some awesome new people. The story table was a very humbling experience that opened my eyes to lives and stories that were different than mine.