*** Warning: Deep waters ahead ***
I haven't posted in over a year. Let me give you a picture of what this last year has held for me.
On September 30, 2016, my fighting spirit died. Up until that point I had called myself a conqueror and had not given into my anxiety and depression. That night they took over. I was at a worship night. The irony (and beauty) of this is that the theme of this worship night was resurrection. We were all wearing white and singing praises to our God who has conquered the grave.
I could not stop crying. I was overcome by my depression and anxiety. I was ready to give up. I texted my boyfriend and said,
"I have never wanted to die more than I do right now".
Shortly after that I lost control over my thoughts and slowly the madness descended over my body and I could not even control my breath.
Saturday, October 1st, 2016, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital in Franklin, Tennessee. I was lower than I had ever been before. While explaining to a nurse why I was there, I remember she choked back tears as I told her that I didn't want to live anymore and the most frustrating part about having that desire was I knew that I would never actually hurt myself.
I was in the hospital for 5 days. Reassured that I was not a threat to myself or others, the doctors released me back into my "normal" life.
Everyone that loves me kept telling me to cling to God. "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you", "God knows what you're going through", "He's holding you", "Give it over to Him and He will heal you". Blah. Blah. Blah. I was so angry at God. I stopped reading my bible. I stopped going to small group. I stopped serving with the junior highers without telling anyone. I stopped going to service altogether. I stopped praying before I ate. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with God.
I believe, very strongly, that the Lord has told me that I am going to deal with anxiety and depression, to some degree, for the rest of this life. I've known that for a long time now, but after being in a psych hospital the reality of it began to set in. I have felt trapped and abused by my own mind. I have not been able to see an "out" for my struggle. I don't have a foreseeable end to this suffering. I began to grieve the loss of the life I could've had, had God chosen to heal me. If that even makes sense. I began to believe that I would never see victory over my mental illness.
This approach to my mental health was incredibly destructive and it took its toll. I have never been through such a dark time in my entire life. Riddled with suicidal thoughts, grief, anger, and sometimes hatred; I knew that I was in the wrong.
God is a healer, yes. He hates to see us broken and LOVES to set us free from our ailments. But when He chooses not to heal, He is entirely justified. He has told me that I am more useful to the kingdom with the testimony of an ongoing struggle than I am with a testimony of miraculous healing. Somewhere down the line, there will be a person struggling with something similar and I will be equipped with an intimate knowledge of their situation and therefore in a place where I will be able to speak into that person's life. And to God, one more soul in Heaven is worth it.
I know all this, deep within my heart. I know He is right. I know He is good. I know He is faithful. I know He is just. I know He cares for me. I know that I am single-handedly responsible for the wall that has now been built between Christ and me. But that didn't change the fact that I was in the middle of a grieving process and that I had emotions that Christ also deemed valid.
He is not afraid of my questions or anger or doubt or grief. He just wants me back.
I began writing this post about 4 months ago. God has come through all the noise so clearly to tell me that I am not alone in my suffering and that I will not be left this way (He brings healing in eternity). This journey back to Him is difficult. At times, I am still angry. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still do not feel safe in church. I do not pick up my bible every day. I do not pray to Him every day. But, I'm trying. I'm doing my best and God is accepting that with open arms. He will not turn me away just because I'm not where I used to be. This is all that I have right now and He looks at it, smiles, and sees infinite value where I see brokenness and worthlessness.
I began writing this post almost exactly a year after I was released from the hospital. I wanted to say something corny about how God foreshadowed my "resurrection" with the theme of that worship night. But, some days, I still feel like I'm in the grave. And that's okay. Right now, I'm in a valley. I'm learning who I am again. I'm trying to find the girl that anxiety and depression buried. She's here. Somewhere. I hope.
I'm seeing God from a new angle. From here, to me, everything looks like loose ends with no destination. But the King has promised to bring all things to completion. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I'm here. Trying to hang on, while He does most of the work. And that's okay for right now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will try my best again. That, by itself, is a victory.
***
I began writing this post about 4 months ago. God has come through all the noise so clearly to tell me that I am not alone in my suffering and that I will not be left this way (He brings healing in eternity). This journey back to Him is difficult. At times, I am still angry. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still do not feel safe in church. I do not pick up my bible every day. I do not pray to Him every day. But, I'm trying. I'm doing my best and God is accepting that with open arms. He will not turn me away just because I'm not where I used to be. This is all that I have right now and He looks at it, smiles, and sees infinite value where I see brokenness and worthlessness.
I began writing this post almost exactly a year after I was released from the hospital. I wanted to say something corny about how God foreshadowed my "resurrection" with the theme of that worship night. But, some days, I still feel like I'm in the grave. And that's okay. Right now, I'm in a valley. I'm learning who I am again. I'm trying to find the girl that anxiety and depression buried. She's here. Somewhere. I hope.
I'm seeing God from a new angle. From here, to me, everything looks like loose ends with no destination. But the King has promised to bring all things to completion. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I'm here. Trying to hang on, while He does most of the work. And that's okay for right now. Tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will try my best again. That, by itself, is a victory.
