The Time that I Thought I'd be Homeless...

Y'all, Jesus is so good. I will never know how much He has done for me. I will never know the extent of what my life cost of Him. Even in seasons where I am deliberately running from Him, He madly pursues me and continues to work things in my favor. And then all of that comes back to glorify Him. HOW?!?! I will never know. He meets with me one-on-one when I pray and listens to every word I'm saying. I will never know how much He cares for me. He is on my team: every time.

The Lord is blowing my mind lately; in the ways that He provides for me and so faithfully teaches me and leads me. He is so good. He did everything for me (which is convenient, given how lazy I am). Wow. Since I've moved to Tennessee, I have seen Him move in new ways. He has grown me in ways I never could have imagined.

This past month, my living situation has been, very uncomfortably, up in the air. I'm not too fond of the idea of indefinitely couch surfing, even though I have amazing people in my life that wouldn't let me sleep in my car. I had two prospective roommates and we were looking for a three person house to live in. I will emphasize the word house. I have no interest in living in an apartment or student housing of any kind. Given that I live in a college town, there are a lot of rental houses available. However, the other two decided to go in a different direction.

After my (quite unnecessary) panic attack settled, I started asking around to see what my options were. I did not want to do the random roommate thing. The very. next. day. I got a text from a girl who is friends with one of the girls in my small group. This girl said her and two other friends were renting a four bedroom apartment and didn't want a random roommate in the fourth room. Given that our mutual friend is an awesome gal and very trustworthy, I figured that these, too, were solid girls.

However, I've already expressed my dislike for student housing and apartments. This four bedroom was both... So, being the stubborn person I am, I ignored the blessing that God placed in front of me and kept looking, while keeping the door open to the four bedroom as a back-up. I can be so ungrateful sometimes.

Over the course of the next week and a half, I was coming up empty. Now I can see why: because God had already given me what I needed. But, since it wasn't I wanted, I turned my nose up at it. Jesus has humbled me so much these past few days (obviously, this was much needed). He so clearly revealed to me that He had already given me everything I needed. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. This apartment is incredibly affordable, completely furnished, comes with roommates recommended by someone I trust. This place even has in-unit laundry, utilities included in the super cheap rent, and a shuttle to my school if I don't feel like dealing with the atrocious parking situation on campus.

Thankfully, this door was still open. I filled out an application for the apartment complex last night and was pre-approved! And then I promptly fell on my face and praised the God who graciously gives all things. He is a good, good father who delights in taking care of His children.

Matthew 6:25-34

My incredible boyfriend sent me this passage during my panic attack and my response was "I hate that verse". Yes, I actually said that about the Word of The Living God. I can be so arrogant. (I had A LOT to apologize for in my prayer time following this ordeal). But, the truth of His word does not depend on my feelings about it at any given time - praise Him for that, haha! 

I am so thankful for the way that God works in my life. He has given me so much that I don't deserve and saved me from so much that I probably do deserve. He's teaching me to be teachable through some pretty tough lessons, but I am so grateful that He hasn't given up on me even when it would be totally justified. He's so good. My only response is to try and bring Him glory with my life.

When People Fail You

The most powerful thing we are capable of as humans is loving one another. This is also one of the most important things that we're capable of. Relationship is essential to us.

Friends, family, and significant others assist us through the challenges in life and are also present to celebrate our victories. We aren't meant to do life alone. Community matters. We need people in our lives to help us when we can't help ourselves or to encourage us when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The joyful moments are so much better when we have people we love and trust to share them with. 

Sometimes, though, we put too much on a person: our expectations are too high. We want someone to come through on something and then they just.... don't. They let you down. Regardless of whether it's intentional or not, pain comes with it. Disappointment and hurt accompany it. We forget that the people in our lives are human and we are so abruptly reminded at the moments where it's least convenient. 

People fail us. It's never a fun occurrence, but it's a fact of life. In those moments, all we can control is our reaction. Do I get angry or do I have grace? I have found myself in this position many times before. I've also been on the other side, begging for my friend to see and forgive my humanness. 

It's here where I start to lose faith in my friends and wonder if hurt is just something I'm going to have to cope with forever. It's here where I have began to question whether or not some friendships are worth continuing. It is here where trust has been ruptured and scars have been formed. And it's here, also, that I'm reminded of the perfection of my Savior. He will never fail. He comes through, every time. 

People suck. We all have experience in that. We're all broken. And yet, somehow, we still have a capacity for deep and moving love. It's incredible really. More often then not, that love is stronger after it's taken a hit. Doesn't really make sense, does it? We see the deepest, ugliest flaws in people and we give them more of ourselves. Why?

We empathize with the human quality that's revealed in those moments: imperfection. It's the thing that nobody wants to admit they possess and much less show others. Through the pain of the incident, we see a bit of the truth that we hold as well. The truth that neither can we give it all every time; no matter how badly we wish we could.

But, the question still stands: grace or anger? I think that healing happens more abundantly and and rapidly when grace is extended. Now, there are sometimes where toxic people enter our lives and we have to let them go, but that can be done in grace as well. The natural instinct is to get mad when wronged, which makes it a hard instinct to fight. But, if that can be overridden by grace, how different would relationship look?

Elevating people to a position higher than where they should be is crushing when it inevitably collapses. I know that sometimes I forget that humans are humans and, in particularly difficult periods, I treat them as lifelines. This always backfires on me. We all fall short. Jesus is the only one who upholds and exceeds our standards. He's everything we will ever need. People can't fill that place, no matter how badly I want them too. This is so hard because people are tangible. I can physically hug a friend when I'm hurting. But, Jesus offers more and I forget that.

Here's the cool thing that I've learned recently. Community rocks. I love people. And the Lord still lets us have community even when we abuse relationships and put people above Him. He extends grace when we fail Him. Every time. He picks us up, dusts us off, and shows us how to do it better. He teaches us how to give this same type of grace when we're faced with failure as well.

We can love because He first loved us. He can give grace because he has given it to us. We can move forward because He has made a way. When people fail us, we can forgive and rebuild because that's what the Lord does for us.

Easier said than done, I know. It's just a thought I had. 

Take Two

So, I haven't posted in a while. So much has happened since I've begun my life down here in Tennessee. 

I love living down here; being so close to Nashville makes my heart leap! There are always adventures to go on and interesting people to meet. And I'm finally able to physically step into it.

Around September, I began having knee problems. It resulted in countless doctor appointments, 4 ER visits (one of which began in an ambulance), a mound of medication that caused my stomach to want revenge, and, finally, a surgery. Now that it is all said and done, I can actually start to put down "roots" - whatever that means in college. 

Ideal? No. Not in the slightest. It made the transition next to impossible. When you're in that much pain all the time, making friends isn't exactly on the radar. Being an extrovert, that was a huge obstacle. Especially, since I didn't have an established community physically around me. Although, I have amazing friends back home who came to see me and love me so well, I was so incredibly lonely. 

I have never known depression like this. I have never known anxiety like this. 

More importantly, I have never known the Lord like this. 

Challenge after challenge and He is my constant, my rock. I didn't always press into that, but it was always available to me. He carried me. He provided for me exactly what I needed every time. He is good. 

While I'm not thrilled with my opening act here in The South, I know there's a purpose to it. Don't ask me what it is, haha, I just have faith that it exists. Through the loneliness and pain (physical and emotional) I've grown so much. But, I can happily say that I'm being brought back to myself again,

I can run around. I have the energy for new friends and late nights. I have the desire for exploration. I have my love for people back in focus. I have the strength to open even the heaviest of doors on campus without assistance. I have the eagerness to get involved in new things. And I have a God who has equipped me to do all of that better. 

I'm so excited to be coming out of the woods. My zest for this chapter of life has been restored and I'm ready to get it started - for real this time. 

Thanks to everyone who has been so encouraging to me (near and far). Thanks to the people who took my 3 am phone calls. Thanks to the pals that went with me to the hospital. Thanks to the friends who went out of their way to drive me around while I was on crutches. Thanks to all of you who had patience with me. Thanks to those who dealt with me through all my medication. Thanks for being part of my life even when it ain't so pretty. 

Here's to take two! Let's hope it's a good one!